When I had my first child, I had a vaginal delivery with third degree tears and an episiodomy. The healing journey was long and difficult, not to mention- completely new and foreign to me. At my 6 week check up, my doctor advised me to wait another 4 weeks before exercising or having sex as I had not healed properly down there. I was ok with that, I was in no rush whatsoever. Thankfully, my husband had not once asked me or pressured me into getting intimate. Plus, there were other ways we were able to connect intimately such as: spending time together, kissing and holding hands. Sex is not the only way to be intimate and I really want to stress that.
After a few months went by I wanted to try and attempt to have sex again but I was terrified. I heard horror stories online and no one had shared a positive experience with me. These horror stories on top of my third degree tears scared me to the point of not wanting to even try. Every time my husband and I would try, I would freak out mentally and in response to that- my body would tense up and everything would just end there. It was a rough time, we were now 5 months postpartum and I felt like a failure. I scoured the Internet to find other moms talking about attempting to have sex afterbirth and there were very few articles and none of them gave me the confidence to try again. I spoke to my girlfriends and some of them even shared that they too were scared and it took one of my friends 4 years to have sex!!This is when I realized that there’s a problem here. There is a gap.. there is something missing. Women need to discuss this more. Surely, women have had children and had sex again to conceive, but WHY ARE THEY NOT TELLING US WHAT TO DO!!!
Being South Asian- Punjabi to be exact- discussions around sex are culturally very taboo. No one would ever discuss this openly and it’s another reason why I believe women have been in fear of attempting sex after birth. I told myself that when I got to the other-side- that I would share it openly with my social media community so that I could be a voice that could help another Mom in the same situation.
Well, thankfully I made it to the other side and I am here to tell my story on how that went and share some tips and advice. Keep in mind that this is my personal experience and it will vary from person to person.
At the 5 month mark, I told myself I was not going to freak out anymore and just go for it. “I had given birth to a WHOLE baby, why could I not just do this?” I tried talking myself into it and encouraging myself along the way. That night, it happened! And to my surprise- it did not hurt at all. I realized that I was stopping myself mentally and psyching myself out which was causing a gripping reflex (muscles tensing up) making it even more painful. ALL OF IT, IN MY MIND! With that being said, I do have some pointers that helped me and could help you too!
+ make sure you are very well lubricated
+ you should start off on top so that you have control of how much goes in + the intensity
+ take a deep breath in and when you are exhaling is when the entry should take place
+ try to not get all in your head, be present and enjoy the moment
That is my story for the first time after giving birth. In my case, it was all mental and I found that the above tips helped me. After giving birth to my second daughter, I was able to have intercourse 8 weeks postpartum with that experience and information. If you are suffering from pain during intercourse or a fear that you cannot shake off, consider visiting a pelvic floor therapist as they are specifically trained to help women with this. There are countless options to help you reach your goals. My goal for you is that this gives you the confidence to take that step instead of living in a fearful state of mind.
I wish more women would feel empowered to discuss these topics and less ashamed. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your support circle for help and always be open and communicate these things with your partner.
Photograph: The Portal
By: Bram Bains www.brambains.com
