It’s been 10 months since I gave birth, I’ve been living my dream life and been working the hardest I’ve ever had to work. So much so that I often forget that I’m still postpartum until I get to the end of the day and I burst into tears because someone had my slice of cake or that Aura’s growing 😭 or that Auras growing 🥰 And then there are times where I don’t have any real ‘reason’ or ‘cause’ as to why I wake up feeling so low, but I do. It’s a feeling I cannot shake off, and even the most sweetest hugs from my daughter doesnt make it any better.
There is no quick fix to this.
One day it’s smiles and rainbows and the next it’s a sob fest.
I feel it’s an important part of this motherhood journey to share because it’s reality. A truth that is hard to talk about for many, but the more I’ve opened up about this season of motherhood – the less alone I have felt.
PPD peaks in the early weeks and months after birth but it does not completely go away until 1-3 years later. YES, you read that right. I kept shrugging off my feelings telling myself it wasn’t PPD and that I was just feeling crummy. After talking with my doctor- I learned that PPD CAN last up to 3 years. This was both refreshing and disappointing to hear at the same time.
So what does it feel like?
It feels like everything is going wrong when it’s not.
It feels like every little thing makes you SO angry that you blow up
It feels like you want to cry just because your child dropped their bottle on the floor
It feels like your partner is your biggest enemy when in fact they are being the most supportive
That’s what it feels like to me.
I had experienced 3 back to back to back days of feeling low and depressed. It was rough and I didn’t think I would make it through those days, but I did. I couldn’t remember feeling that depressed since Aura was just a little baby.
I know many people will say to me “Don’t feel depressed. Be happy. Aura loves you. Aura needs you. be appreciative of your life” But please understand that when you’re feeling that way- you are not rational and those things don’t mean anything.
So next time a Mama is having an off day, sulk in it with her. She may be surrounded by family and friends and still feel lonely. Comfort her. Let her feel all that she feels. She doesn’t need to be reminded of all that she has including her beautiful child- she KNOWS that. She cant rationalize the way she feels and she cant put it into words, just let her feel it and give her time to rest and take a break if you can. She will be appreciative of it when she comes out of her sunken place.
I will forever be grateful for all that I have, but please understand when I am experiencing PPD- I cannot rationalize all of those things.
